The Elephant in the Office

THOUGHTS OUTSIDE THE OFFICE

Today, at 38 years old, I experienced a first.

I received my first unsolicited dirty picture.

Thirty-eight years. Somehow I made it through high school, college, law school, marriage, divorce court, criminal court, Facebook, text messaging, the invention of Snapchat, and God only knows how many strange human interactions without anyone ever deciding that what my day really needed was a photograph of his private anatomy.

That streak ended today.

I was genuinely shocked. Not offended exactly. Not traumatized. Just absolutely stunned. There are moments in life when your brain receives information it was not prepared to process, and apparently mine handles those moments by immediately summoning every woman within walking distance.

Naturally, I showed my staff.

Now, to understand what happened next, you have to understand the women who work in my office, because the cast of characters is what turned an unsolicited dirty picture into one of the funniest afternoons I have had in a very long time.

Tammy is real-world literate. Tammy has been there, done that, heard it, seen it, survived it, and probably has practical advice for whatever terrible decision you are currently considering. Very little shocks Tammy. She was absolutely DELIGHTED by my predicament. Hooting. Hollering. Laughing. Carrying on like somebody had brought live entertainment into Hampton Law Firm.

And then Tammy said the words that changed the entire afternoon:

“You have to show Stacie.”

No.

No, Tammy. I really, really do not.

Because Stacie is quite possibly the most genuinely godly woman I have ever met in my life. Stacie breathes Jesus. She eats, sleeps, works and lives Jesus. If the rest of us are somewhere making questionable decisions, Stacie is somewhere quietly praying that the Lord will guide us back toward civilization.

So, obviously, we showed Stacie.

She looked at the picture.

Her eyes got huge.

There was a pause.

And then, with complete sincerity, Stacie said:

“Is that an elephant?”

I hit the floor.

There are certain sentences that permanently divide your life into Before and After, and apparently “Is that an elephant?” is one of mine.

At that point there was no recovering the dignity of Hampton Law Firm for the afternoon.

Then Nan came in.

Nan is an entirely different species of woman. Former Texas beauty queen. Has sung with Merle Haggard. Says she smoked weed with Willie Nelson. Has lived enough lives that every time she starts a story with, “Well, one time…” I know I need to cancel whatever I planned to do for the next fifteen minutes.

So naturally, Nan had to see it too.

Nan looked at my phone.

Her eyes BULGED.

Then she snatched the phone out of my hand, enlarged the photograph and began studying it with the concentration of a woman examining evidence in a federal investigation.

And that was it.

Professionalism was dead.

By somewhere around four o’clock this afternoon, four grown women were standing around my office absolutely crying laughing. There were sex jokes. There were dirty-picture jokes. There was additional discussion about the alleged elephant. There were observations made that absolutely will not be repeated on a law firm website. Somewhere in the middle of all of it, I looked around the room and realized how completely ridiculous the scene was.

Because if you lined the four of us up, I am not sure anyone would pick us as the group most likely to spend an afternoon dissecting an unsolicited nude photograph.

The lawyer. The woman who has seen absolutely everything. The woman who would probably invite Jesus into the conference room before beginning a staff meeting. And Nan, who apparently approaches unexpected nudity like a forensic investigator.

But that may be exactly why it was so funny.

There was nothing polished about that moment. Nothing professional. Nothing carefully curated for a website or a courtroom or Facebook. It was four women who spend most of their lives carrying responsibilities, answering phones, solving problems, calming people down, meeting deadlines and handling things that are very rarely funny.

And for about thirty minutes, we were useless.

Completely, gloriously useless.

We laughed until our stomachs hurt.

I would still strongly recommend that no one ever send me another unsolicited dirty picture.

But if you do, understand that there is now an established office protocol.

Tammy will announce it.

Stacie will attempt to identify the species.

Nan will enlarge the evidence.

And apparently I will lose all managerial control of Hampton Law Firm for the remainder of the afternoon.

Thirty-eight years without a dirty picture was a pretty good run.

I suppose every streak has to end sometime.

Unfortunately for this particular gentleman, he had absolutely no idea how many women were going to see it.

Judith L. Hampton

Attorney-at-Law

Hampton Law Firm

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