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Critical Condition

Updated: Jul 30

Thoughts Outside the Office



Last night, around midnight, I looked over and found all three of my children asleep across the couch. Normally, I would have picked them up, carried them to bed, tucked them in, located whatever stuffed animal had gone missing, refilled somebody's water, and somehow completed six additional tasks no one had asked me to do before finally sitting down. Instead, I stood there looking at them and realized I did not have enough strength left in me to move a single child. So I covered them up, took a picture because they looked peaceful, and made the executive decision that the couch was now a bedroom and everyone needed to respect the zoning change.



By seven o'clock this morning, I was sick as a dog. In hindsight, that probably should not have surprised me. On Monday, my doctor did not casually suggest that I might want to slow down. He did not say I looked a little tired or that I should consider taking a vitamin and getting an extra hour of sleep. He looked me directly in the face and told me my health was in critical condition, changed my medication, and gave me the sort of warning most reasonable people would understand as a command. Yesterday, another attorney looked at me and said, "Judith, you look exhausted. I know you have a lot to do, but you need to rest." I heard both of them. I understood every word. I simply treated "critical condition" and "you need to rest" as interesting pieces of information that did not appear to require any changes to my calendar.


That is the ridiculous thing about being the kind of person who believes she can think her way through anything. I have spent years acting as though my brain can overrule my body by filing the appropriate motion. Exhaustion objects, I overrule it. Pain asks for a continuance, denied. My body presents evidence that something is very wrong, and I respond by adding another appointment to the calendar. Apparently, I believed my internal organs were junior associates who could be bullied into working late if I sounded confident enough.


I have also spent years joking that I'll rest when I'm dead. It turns out my body heard that as a challenge.


You can ignore the headaches, the exhaustion, the weight loss, the stress, the doctor, the medication, and every other warning light flashing across the dashboard. You can keep driving because you have court, clients, children, deadlines, emails, laundry, bills, and approximately one million things that absolutely cannot wait. You can convince yourself that this is merely a difficult week, that next week will be easier, that you will slow down after this hearing, this deadline, this crisis, this school event, this client emergency, or this one last thing that somehow always produces three more things behind it.


Eventually, though, your body stops asking for your cooperation.


It does not care that you have court tomorrow. It does not care that your phone is ringing, that people are waiting on answers, that files are sitting on your desk, or that your children still need to eat even though you feel like you are being held hostage by your own immune system. It does not care how responsible you are, how capable you are, how many people depend on you, or how deeply offended you are by the inconvenience. It simply reaches over, turns the key off itself, and leaves you sitting there with your calendar in one hand and your delusions of invincibility in the other.


That is where I am today.


My mother has taken the children because I am not physically capable of doing much more than lying here, feeling miserable, and occasionally checking the time as though staring at the clock will somehow restore my vital organs. I am missing work. I have court tomorrow. My phone is still ringing. There are messages unanswered, files waiting, and enough unfinished tasks to make resting feel less like medical care and more like a personal moral failure.


There is also nobody here to hold me while I feel sick, bring me soup, rub my back, or tell me everything is going to be okay. I would be lying if I said that part did not hurt too. Being strong is much more impressive when you are standing up, dressed, working, and handling everyone else's emergencies. It is considerably less glamorous when you are alone on the couch in an oversized hoodie, looking like a woman who lost a fight with both influenza and capitalism.


Still, there is no negotiating with this particular crash. No amount of work ethic, stubbornness, caffeine, guilt, or brain power is going to make my body move before it is ready. I can panic about tomorrow. I can mentally rearrange the day. I can list everything that needs me. None of it changes the fact that, for once, my body has taken control of the schedule and apparently appointed itself judge, jury, bailiff, and emergency medical supervisor.


Maybe that is the lesson I keep refusing to learn. Rest is not always a reward you earn after everything is finished, because everything is never finished. Sometimes rest is the consequence of refusing to stop when every part of you has already asked nicely. Sometimes your body whispers. Sometimes it warns. Sometimes a doctor uses the word "critical." And sometimes, after you ignore all of that, it puts you flat on your back and says, "Now you will listen."


So I am lying here and waiting for it to work again. Not patiently, exactly, because let us not get carried away. But I am waiting.


My health may be critical. My body may have staged a hostile takeover. I may be behind, alone, and furious that biology does not respect my calendar.


But I'm not dead yet. And thank god, because I miss my kids terribly tonight and I need to be physically strong enough to be their mom tomorrow.


Judith L. Hampton

Attorney at Law

Hampton Law Firm, LLC


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